Faith is the Currency of The Soul
-Elizabeth Lesser
The experience of trauma fractures our view of ourselves and of the world. Where we once may have been full of faith in ourselves, the aftermath of traumatic experiences leaves us shattered. Filled with confusion and shame.
Those who suffered trauma at the hands of parents and caregivers may have never had the chance to view the world with wide-eyed-wonder and faith. Children who are born into dysfunctional families have parents who projected their fear, shame and blame onto their children. These parents neglected the emotional self of their children and caused them to live in a void of emptiness, constantly feeling that they are inherently damaged. These children grow up to live life under the false belief that they should not have needs. And, if they do have needs, they believe they will never be met.
Dysfunctional families thrive on isolation and paranoia. The toxic system cannot function if one of the members of the family have a healthy outlook on the world. So these parents, locked in their own prison of fear, do their best to ensure their children share their fear by transferring their pain onto them. A way of keeping them inside the petri dish of toxic shame. Children who grow up in these homes live with a deep lack of faith in themselves. They ask themselves: “If my parents couldn’t even love me, how could I love myself? There must be something wrong with me.” Their faith was strangled before it even had a chance to grow.
It is hard to believe that the world can be anything other than fear, dread, and blackness when you haven’t known anything else. But, that’s where faith comes in. Faith that things can be different. That there is beauty in the world. And, that you deserve love.
When we live with this kind of trauma, new experiences can fill us with dread and anxiety.
Childhood neglect causes a dark cloud of shame to rest over us.
We may be high achievers, but lack the ability to truly enjoy our accomplishments, constantly striving for more, or seeing the ways we could have done better.
Or we may under achieve, sabotaging ourselves as a way of escaping the insurmountable mountain of fear and expectations.
Instead of waking up with excitement or peace, we wake up with terror.
Or, depression keeps us pressing the snooze button – unable to feel anything but blackness.
Constant thoughts on repeat minds:
“I’m not good enough”
“No one could ever love me”
“It’ll never be better than this”
“I’ll never change”
“I have made too many mistakes”
“I am a failure”
“I’m not smart enough”
“I’ll never get it right”
It’s painful to live this way. An all too familiar pain. How can it ever change?
But, when it’s all we know it’s tough to be open to anything else.
We can lack faith in the recovery process, or that recovery from trauma is even possible at all. Sometimes, the prospect of even beginning the process of recovery makes feel as though we are going to die. We lack faith that we can survive the recovery process.
But, faith is the currency of the soul. I ask you to take a moment and see if you can find a seed of faith within. Can you be open to the possibility that life can be more than what it is now? Can you be open to change, however small it may be? Can you open the door of your soul – just a crack- to receive love? Even if you are overwhelmed by the thought that you are unworthy of it?
I don’t know what recovery looks like for you – therapy, rehab, meditation, yoga. That’s for you to decide. You are the captain of your own life. But the first step is being open to the idea that it’s possible for you to have the life you desire. It’s possible to heal. It’s possible to recover. You have the strength within you.
Take a step of faith, however small. Because healing and recovery is possible for you.